H
olidays or extended family visits often lead to an increase in feelings of anxiety- and bring up relational dynamics that we often think are long gone- so how can knowing this set you up for success? Two words: Setting Boundaries.
Hot/also fairly popular take: Setting boundaries is hard. I know I often find both with my clients and personally, engaging with this process is messy, uncomfortable, and an ongoing learning practice.
One scenario that comes up often in the therapy space is how to set boundaries ahead of a family visit or leading up to holidays. And that’s no wonder, because when we’re suddenly in a space where we’re back together with family, we tend to fall into old patterns and ways of relating to both our family members and ourselves. That’s why in this post I offer five simple ways to support you with both setting and enforcing boundaries.
Disclaimer: I said these steps would be simple, not easy—I know, rude. I’m sorry.
Step 1: Identify your needs and priorities during this specific visit.
It’s really difficult to set a boundary when you’re unclear about why you’re doing it and what outcome you hope for. So, ask yourself: What do you need to support your well-being? And what matters most to you during this trip?
- Needs Examples: sleep, privacy, downtime
- Priority Examples: staying grounded, feeling safe, quality time, being present
Step 2: Reflect on what is realistic [for you, your family, and the visit].
Maybe you need a quiet place to retreat to at the end of the day for some downtime but you’re sharing a room in a crowded house. Here’s where you reflect on the options available to help you meet this need in some way. Can you take a walk alone each day? Can you offer to do a run to the grocery store solo? Get creative.
Step 3: If possible, communicate the boundary ahead of time.
When communicating the boundary to the other person(s), let them know why you are doing so in a way that they may be able to hear you. For example, “If you want to discuss why I won’t be attending Aunt Karen’s for Thanksgiving this year, I ask that we set aside some time in advance to discuss it alone so that I can actually engage with what you’re saying.”
Step 4: Decide ahead of time how you’re going to enforce your boundary, communicate that to the person, and follow through.
Using the above example, that may sound like: “If you’re not able to wait until the time we set aside for us to discuss this, then I won’t be able to discuss it with you during this visit.” That means if they try to bring up this specific topic in front of your other family members during a random lunch, you will then do exactly what you told them you would – restate the boundary and do not engage.
Step 5: Validate and allow the emotions coming up for you, while grounding into steps 1 & 2.
Hear me please, there is a good chance that this practice will bring up feelings that are uncomfortable to tolerate. I’m talkin’ anxiety, guilt, anger, etc. That is okay. And, it makes complete sense! Setting/enforcing boundaries is challenging because doing so is often met with push back or confusion. It will take adjusting for everyone involved. Set the expectation for yourself that this may feel difficult to do/follow through with. Tell yourself it’s okay and makes sense to feel the way you do, and use some grounding strategies like deep breathing. Finally, come back to steps 1 & 2 and remind yourself that those needs and priorities are why you are tolerating this discomfort and making a change in the relationship.
Using these steps effectively will take practice and some courage. And, applying them can really support your own well-being and the health of your relationships leading up to, during, and after a family visit.
Good luck & take care of yourself!
Note for Readers: Some relationships and circumstances require you to set more extreme boundaries without much room for being relational. That is real and you can honor that.
Need Help Setting Boundaries with Family During the Holidays?
Holidays don’t have to feel overwhelming. If you struggle to set or maintain boundaries with family, Good Company Therapy offers Therapy for Relationship Stressors. We can help you navigate these moments with compassion and confidence, so you can have a more peaceful holiday season.
