H
ow many times have you dealt with a dysregulated child—and not just a toddler? We all know toddlers cry and scream; it’s part of their developmental stage. (I fondly remember being screamed at by my toddler over the fact that it was my turn, yet what I was supposed to be taking a turn in, no one knew!)
No, I’m talking about the elementary, middle, or high schooler who breaks rules, yells at you in the grocery store, runs away in the parking lot, or misses curfew—and somehow blames it on you.
Finally, you decide they need help. Maybe you’ve looped in the school, or the school has looped you in, or maybe your child has asked for it themselves. You’re sitting in a therapist’s office, juggling a million other things, when the other shoe drops: the therapist suggests you might benefit from therapy too. Maybe they even hint that you need help with your own regulation. Suddenly, it feels like they’re pinning your child’s struggles on you! It’s normal to feel frustrated, confused, or even angry—wanting to shout, “That’s not why we’re here! Just fix them!”
If this sounds familiar, know that you are not alone.
Parenting is hard. Society stacks the deck against you. In the 1950s, many families thrived on a single income, with one parent— the mother—taking care of the home and children full-time. By the 1980s, the shift to dual-income households created “latchkey kids,” often unsupervised after school because parents were at work. Fast forward to today, and many families still face the challenge of working two jobs while providing all basic homekeeping in addition to afterschool care, summer programming, and basic supervision, often with limited options or resources.
The truth is, it’s HARD to manage everything. And when your child struggles to “go with the flow,” it can push even the most patient parent to their tipping point.
Here’s the hard truth therapists are trying to convey:
Regulated parents help regulate kids.
Yes, the stress you feel is real. But as the adult in the room—with a fully developed brain—you are in a position to model regulation.
There is a line from the Broadway musical Into the Woods where one of the main characters warns:
Careful the things you say,
Children will listen.
Careful the things you do,
Children will see, and learn.
Because this is how children learn—they are watching you. They notice how you calm down in difficult moments. It may not be easy or feel fair, but it is true: your behavior teaches them what regulation looks like.
I’m not going to pretend this is simple. At the moment—frozen groceries melting, cars whizzing by, and a screaming child refusing to get in the car—it’s really hard. But showing your child how to regulate in these moments is how you help them learn, and how you help break cycles of dysregulation.
You are not expected to do this perfectly. Especially if adults in your life didn’t show up this way for you, it can feel impossible. That’s where therapy for yourself comes in. A safe space for adults can help you:
- Process your own emotions, maybe explore what it is like to break a cycle, and to do something for your kid that was not done for you
- Learn strategies to stay regulated under stress
- Be fully present and supportive for the family you care so deeply about, and give so much of your time, energy and focus for.
Therapy isn’t about blaming you. It’s about equipping you with tools to navigate the challenges of parenting, while helping your child learn to manage their own emotions. Because when parents are regulated, kids can learn to regulate too.
Support Your Child by Supporting Yourself
When parenting challenges begin to strain your emotional well-being or relationships, therapy for parents can help. Our Therapy for Relationship Stressors services offer support to build regulation, reduce stress, and strengthen family connections.
