W
henever I work with someone experiencing grief, I always return to the same article. This article was first shared with me by a client, resonating so deeply that I now share it with everyone I can. I imagine it must be one of the LA Times’ most popular articles, solely because I have sent it to everyone I know. The article is The Ring Theory of Grief: Comfort IN, Dump OUT.
Susan Silk and Barry Goldman’s influential LA Times op-ed answers the questions I imagine most people search for “how to support someone grieving” because finding the right words can feel overwhelming. They introduce the Ring Theory: imagine concentric circles with the person at the center of grief in the innermost ring. Those in outer rings—further from the crisis—should offer comfort inward (toward those closer) but not vent their own frustrations inward (“dump out”).
If you’re supporting a grieving person, ask yourself: Does what I’m about to say help them? If not, hold back. Even well-intentioned comments, like sharing your own struggles, can shift attention away from the grieving person (dumping in) instead of supporting them.
Often, people don’t know what to say, and tolerating that discomfort is, well, uncomfortable. We humans tend to dislike discomfort and reach for the first phrase to break the tension. This can often leave the person at the center of grief holding the burden of discomfort, instead of receiving comfort.
What to Say: Words That Lift
It would not be an impactful blog post without some concrete tools. So here I will share some phrases that are often highlighted that offer sincere empathy and presence:
Effective choices include:
- “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
- “Your loved one meant so much to those who knew them.”
- “If you want to talk or just sit together, I’m here.”
- “I remember when ….” (sharing a personal story)
These messages prioritize the grieving person’s experience, validate their pain, and offer ongoing support.
What Not to Say: Reducing Harm by Avoiding These
Certain phrases may unintentionally minimize grief, pressure someone to move on, or center the speaker rather than the mourner:
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
- “At least they lived a long life.”
- “They’re in a better place now.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
Comments that start with “At least…” imply the loss is not worthy of grief. Advice or judging—e.g., “You should…”—makes it about the comforter, not the griever, and can backfire.
Be Present More Than Perfect
Words matter—but presence can matter more. Visible, consistent support—not perfect phrases—makes a deeper impact. Being there to listen, to sit in silence, or to help with daily tasks can communicate care more fully than language alone.
If you’re unsure what to say, it’s okay to be honest: “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you.”
And sometimes, silence speaks volumes. Just being with someone in grief, even sitting in silence when there is nothing to say, can offer support, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Practical Ways to Support
- Offer concrete help: meals or meal trains, errands, childcare, or laundry.
- Check in over time: especially around anniversaries or holidays when grief often resurfaces.
- Encourage bereaved people to speak about their loved one, if they choose—and share your own cherished memory too.
Often, I have found people feel they shouldn’t say the name of their friends’ loved ones for fear of bringing up painful memories of their passing. I promise your friends remember their loved ones whether you bring them up or not. You may be surprised how thankful they are that someone else remembers their loved one’s birthday, or favorite holiday, or favorite sports team playoff game.
Honoring Complex or Marginalized Grief
Some grief is disenfranchised—meaning society may not recognize it (loss of a pet, ex-partner, miscarriage, estranged family member). These individuals often receive less support, and their pain is minimized. Acknowledging their loss by name, validating their emotional experience, and offering presence can create powerful connection.
In Summary
Supporting someone through grief is not about saying the perfect thing—it’s about showing up with compassion and authenticity. It’s about centering the person or people closer to the loss, and not our own discomfort. Follow Silk and Goldman’s simple rule: offer comfort inward; don’t offload the burden of your own discomfort onto someone in pain. Use empathetic, validating language. Avoid clichés, advice, or minimizing remarks. Most importantly, stay present over time, through holidays or tough moments that may arise.
Grief doesn’t follow a timeline or formula. Treat it not with rush or distance, but with presence, patience, and care. Your generosity of spirit and sincere compassion can help someone move through the darkness with a little less loneliness.
Looking for Support Through Grief and Loss?
If you or someone you care about is grieving, you don’t have to face it alone. At Good Company Therapy, our therapists specialize in grief and loss counseling—helping you process emotions, find comfort, and rebuild at your own pace. Whether you’re healing personally or supporting someone through grief, we’re here with presence and compassion every step of the way.