S
o you and your partner are thinking about opening your relationship? How fun! It’s a unique experience and can take you on an amazing journey of discovery both for yourself and for your relationship. Consensual non-monogamy can also bring up a lot and challenge your relationship in ways that you might not be expecting.
When taking an established monogamous relationship into the world of ethical non-monogamy, let me first encourage you to prepare to feel like you mess this up a little bit. What an unexplored world you are entering! Totally new and maybe not something you saw or heard anything about when you were younger. You just can’t know all the things that you need to think about and ask about and learn about yet. And that’s okay! Start with gentleness and grace for yourself and for your partner.
You and your partner will need to have so, so, so many conversations over the course of your relationship, particularly about your navigation of non-monogamy. The conversations don’t end!
But if you’re looking for a place to start, here are 5 questions that you might want to use to guide you at the beginning:
Are we ready for this?
You want to make sure that your relationship is in a place of relative stability before opening for the first time. No relationship is perfect, and your relationship doesn’t need to be perfect to be ready to open. But you should feel relatively confident in the strength and stability of your partnership. Opening your relationship to save a relationship that isn’t working is typically not your best strategy. So make sure you and your partner are both feeling confident. Take time to clear out any lingering resentments or unresolved feelings.
Couples therapy can be incredibly helpful during this preparation phase to strengthen your foundation before exploring non-monogamy.
What is our shared intention?
This is probably a question that you and your partner both want to spend some time reflecting on individually and then also together. Because it’s very important that you and your partner share a clear intention, vision, and understanding of why you’re opening your relationship. Suppose your priorities are increasing your experiences with other people, and your partner’s priorities are having shared sexual experiences. In that case, you need to get on the same page and make sure that everyone’s needs and wants are getting attention and care.
Remember, enthusiastic consent is the name of the game. Yes is not enough—it’s got to be a “Hell Yes!” It’s normal and expected to have some nerves or uncertainty, but consensual non-monogamy doesn’t work without everyone enthusiastically on board.
What are our boundaries?
As a therapist, this is probably the place that I see people go wrong the most when first opening up (no judgment—you’re human, you will make mistakes, it’s okay!). But folks often get caught up in the excitement and in the possibility of opening that they often don’t want to get “bogged down” in the conversation around setting boundaries. But I promise that this conversation doesn’t need to spoil your fun. If anything, I feel like it often serves to enhance the experience and reduce anxiety. It’s easier to set your boundaries more tightly at the beginning and relax them as time goes on than it is to start lax and try to get more structured later.
As much as I dislike being prescriptive—and truly nothing is universally true—if you’re just starting off in ethical non-monogamy, “Don’t ask, don’t tell” is not your best approach. It’s perfectly fine to decide that you won’t share excessive details about your other sexual encounters (or maybe you’ll find it hot and sexy, and therefore you will!). But you can’t give enthusiastic consent when you have no information.
A structure I encourage my clients to use with their partner is the stoplight system:
- Green light = Good to Go! You don't need to discuss this with your partner ahead of time
- Red light = No Go! You and your partner are not ready to explore that yet at this time. And no one should be bringing up Red Light actions when you're out having a good time—those should only be discussed and revisited in a calm relationship boundaries conversation.
- Yellow light = Check with me first! If you want to do something, maybe it's okay, but you've got to check in with your partner first and mutually agree to move forward.
And remember—none of this is set in stone. Boundaries and structure are a constant, evolving, ongoing process and dialogue.
What is our plan to check in and troubleshoot any problems?
I tell my clients and the clinicians that I teach about non-monogamy all the time—we silly little humans are actually very bad at predicting how we’re going to feel about something ahead of time. Honestly, it’s about a 50/50 shot of getting it right! You and your partner might have all the above conversations, be in a place of stability, have a strong shared intention, and have clear structure and boundaries, and you might still be surprised that something you thought you might like or be open to, you actually don’t like, or it brings up some really uncomfortable feelings you weren’t expecting.
Since ethical non-monogamy is based around the idea of mutual enthusiastic consent, you both owe it to one another and to the relationship to make space for conversations about this. How are you and your partner going to be able to say “Ouch” without the other getting defensive? It’s not that anyone did anything wrong, but in order to be a team, you both have to make space for the other person to struggle.
Individual therapy can be incredibly valuable during this process to help you work through unexpected emotions and reactions that come up.
What are we going to do to nurture our connection?
What blooms is where we place our focus. While love isn’t finite, time and energy are. Be proactive about reserving time and energy for each other while creating space for exploration. Schedule those date nights, nurture your sexual connection, and reconnect regularly.
Getting Support
Exploring consensual non-monogamy is exciting but challenging. Individual therapy helps you explore your needs and process unexpected emotions. Couples therapy supports you while navigating boundaries and opening your relationship.
Good Company Therapy Group’s clinicians are well-versed in ethical non-monogamy and relationship counseling—reach out today to start this journey!
Ready to Explore Ethical Non-Monogamy?
Opening your relationship is a meaningful and transformative process—and you don’t have to navigate it alone. Our clinicians at Good Company Therapy Group specialize in ethical non-monogamy, communication, and relationship dynamics.
